I Did It! A Hilariously overly safe, Online Fireworks Safety Course for Lil’ Pyros

Hey there, fellow fireworks fanatics and parents who just want a peaceful Fourth of July without a trip to the ER from 3rd degree sparkler burns on your little pyros! After countless late-night coffee/energy drink binges, a few epic brainstorming sessions, and maybe one too many moments wondering if I’d lost my mind, I’ve finally done it—I’ve created an online fireworks safety course tailored for California’s next generation of sparkler-wielding, fuse-lighting prodigies: the “lil’ super pyros.” And get this—when they finish, they get an official certificate emailed right to them, perfect for waving in mom and dad’s face as proof they’re ready to handle “safe and sane” fireworks without turning the backyard into a disaster movie set... Well I can not guarantee that, good thing its free. I should get a lawyer?

The Making of a Masterpiece (Or at Least a waste of time)

Let me tell you, crafting this course was no walk in the park. I wanted it to be safety-first and totally legit—think “by the book” but with a twist that wouldn’t bore the kids to death. Kids these days have the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel, so I had to keep it fun. Did I go a little overboard with the safety tips? Oh, absolutely. Picture this: me suggesting they light fireworks inside a giant hamster ball like Bubble Boy, or maybe decked out in bubble wrap and a hazmat suit just to wave a sparkler. Ridiculous? Sure. But I’d rather have them over-prepared than under-cautious when it comes to those dazzling (and slightly dangerous) bursts of joy. My goal is to set the bar high, so maybe they will be just a litttttleee safer.

Why all the fuss? Because here in California, we’re all about those “safe and sane” fireworks—the kind that don’t shoot into the sky or explode like something out of a Michael Bay movie. They’re the tame cousins of the pyrotechnic family, but they still pack enough punch to make a celebration memorable. Problem is, without the right know-how, even a sparkler can turn into a singed-eyebrow situation. So, I stuffed this course with practical tips—like how to actually read those tiny instructions on the package (you know, the ones nobody looks at until something fizzles out) and why you should never treat a dud firework like a sad puppy that needs a hug. Spoiler: it doesn’t. Leave it alone! I wanted to say just put sparkers in there... but that is not "SAFEEE"

I really tried my best to be like a child's book author, which for me is hard. Trying to think of things I would do that was fun with fireworks when I was little... Just most of the things I did... it was not safe.. SO, that being said I googled fun things to do and got ideas from that. Hope it is not too silly..

The Certificate: Not Just a Piece of Paper, a Trophy!

Here’s the cherry on top: when the lil’ pyros complete the course, they get a fancy certificate emailed to them. It’s got sleek fonts, a cool design, and basically screams, “I’m a responsible fireworks wizard!” It’s perfect for showing off to parents, grandparents, or that one friend who thinks holding a Roman candle like a magic wand is a solid plan. I’m not gonna lie—I’m tempted to frame mine and slap it on the fridge, just to flex at the next BBQ. Who knows, maybe it’ll become the next big status symbol among the under-12 crowd. “Oh, you don’t have your Safe Pyro Cert? That’s cute.” Plus it has Red Beard as the safety expect on it, that is how you know it is LEGIT!

Making It Fun (Because Walls of Text Are for Bedtime Stories)

I’ll be real with you: right now, the course is kind of a wall of text. And let’s face it—kids don’t exactly jump for joy over long paragraphs about fuse lengths and safety zones. I know when I was kid I would read walls of text on fireworks, but maybe I have something else wrong with me. This is also the TikTok generation...So, I’m plotting ways to spice it up. If this course were a firework, it’s currently a sparkler—cute and functional, but I’m aiming for a full-on fountain of awesomeness. Here’s what I’m thinking:

• A Cartoon Mascot: Say hello to Sparky McSafe, the paranoid sparkler who’s terrified of duds but loves a good light show. He’ll pop up with gems like, “Keep me away from your dog’s tail, or we’re all toast!” to keep the kids giggling while they learn.

• Videos: Picture short, snappy clips—like a “what not to do” montage featuring Uncle Bob’s infamous mustache meltdown, or a quick demo on lighting a sparkler without looking like you’re defusing a bomb. ( I am not sure who will be uncle bob and who will get burned in the process of the videos, maybe Polar Bear Pyro will do it?)

• Infographics: A “Top 5 Safety Tips” chart with goofy icons—like a bucket of water with googly eyes saying, “I’m here to save the day… and douse any rogue flames!”

And to keep things rolling, there are quizzes sprinkled throughout. These aren’t your boring “circle A, B, or C” snoozefests—they’re mini-challenges that make kids feel like they’re leveling up in a video game. Ace them, and bam, that certificate is theirs. It’s like earning a badge in Pyro Scouts. (well currently that is all it is... ABC snoozefests, but I will get there if it takes off!)

Will Parents Buy In? (Or maybe they will ban the lil pyros for life after hearing they learned from me!)

I get it—unless you’re already a die-hard fan of my ramblings, you might not immediately think, “Oh, an online fireworks safety course? Sign me up!” But hear me out, parents: this isn’t just for the kids—it’s for your sanity. Imagine kicking back at the next Fourth of July BBQ, sipping a cold drink, and not worrying that your kid’s about to recreate the Great Fire of London with a sparkler and some dry grass. That certificate? It’s proof they’ve got the basics down. Plus, it’s a bragging right—stick it on the fridge, show it off to the neighbors, or use it as leverage: “Sorry, kiddo, only certified pyros get extra s’mores.” I went full kid in the bubble mode for this, things that I never did. But that weird TNT safety man would be jealous of.

Fireworks vs. Drones: Keeping the Sky Old-School Awesome(I WANT SULFUR IN THE AIR)

Here’s where I get a little fired up (see what I did there?). I hope this course does more than just teach safety—I hope it keeps fireworks alive in California. Lately, drones have been sneaking into celebrations with their fancy light shows, acting like the kale salad of the party—healthy and high-tech, but missing that greasy, glorious boom. Fireworks? They’re the loaded nachos—messy, loud, and impossible to ignore. But if we don’t teach kids how to handle them right, we risk more bans and restrictions. So, let’s equip our lil’ pyros with smarts and keep the skies sparkling, not just buzzing with robot overlords. I know this state will do anything for an excuse to "stop the fires" MAKE FIREWORKS GREAT AGAIN! I feel like a tin foil hat guy blogging about these dang drones so much.

Beta Testers, I Need You! (And Your Brutal Honesty)

If you’ve got kids, know some aspiring fireworks fans, or just have a spare hour and a sense of humor, I’d love for you to beta test this course and tell me what you think. It’s still a work in progress, and I need fresh eyes to make it shine. Are the quizzes too easy? Too tough? Does Sparky McSafe(Or maybe pyro cat?) make you laugh, or should I send him back to cartoon boot camp? And if you’re feeling extra generous, maybe nudge me toward making a video version—though fair warning, I’m awful with scripts. I’m more of an “off-the-cuff” guy, like a groundbloom that spins in wild circles instead of following the plan. Chaos is my comfort zone! Maybe it is my ADHD...

Wrapping It Up: Safety, Fun, and a Dash of Pyro Magic

At its core, this course is about mixing safety with fun. Fireworks are pure magic—unpredictable, dazzling, and a little bit wild, like a toddler after a pixie stick binge. We can’t control everything, but we can teach our kids how to enjoy them without turning the block party into a 911 call. So, whether you’re a parent, a pyro at heart, or just someone who loves a good light show, check out the course and let me know your thoughts. And always—always—keep a bucket of water handy... Or not, I like to watch them all burn it makes it easy to clean up.